THE BEST WAY TO REJECT A WRITER
In my years as a writer, I’ve come to realise that being rejected by a publisher is the same as being dumped by a lover. It’s just the language that’s different.
We don’t have any room on our list = It’s not you, it’s me.
We already have something similar = I’m in love with someone else.
Let’s see how sales go before deciding what you should write next = Let’s have a break.
One of my colleagues might be interested in this = Let’s have an open relationship.
The book is just too quiet for the current market = You bore me to tears.
Have you considered self-publishing? = You’ll get over it. Buy yourself a vibrator.
Well done for getting this down on paper = Hadn’t we agreed this was just for fun?
I wasn’t as excited by this as I expected to be = I love you but I’m not in love with you.
I’m not sure what the market would be = My friends hate you.
I’d like to get some second opinions = My family hates you.
This message has not been delivered = I hate you.
I’m lucky to have had lots of acceptance letters too, but it’s the rejections that stand out. What’s your favourite rejection? What would you say if you were an editor? I like to think I’d be upfront and say: “Sorry, but this is just shite.” Alas, I’m a wimp, and would probably go for: “This Message has not been delivered.”